Experiences of Schizophrenia: Hallucinations, Hospitals, and Photophobia

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Living with Schizophrenia: First Stays as a Psychiatric Inpatient

My first series of hospitalizations occurred in a major episode of psychosis in 2009.

I had been living in Seattle, and after a time, my insight into my condition dwindled. I experimented going without my medications for a day or two here or there (eventually becoming nonadherent).

After a year or so, I began to hallucinate and develop delusions. The discomfort became so intense that I went against my delusional better judgment and sought help.

Inside the Inpatient Psychiatric Hospital

The mood stabilizer my doctor prescribed after an intake interview gave me hope. But after a few weeks of torment and inability to reason, I attempted suicide and was taken by ambulance to an emergency department, then transferred to a psychiatric ward when I was stable.

The hospital was about what I would expect (similar to the clinics I go to for medication management). It had white walls, cold tile floors, carpeted areas, and staff in scrubs.

The patients had a lot more autonomy than I expected, however. Most gathered in groups, playing cards or just chatting, but nothing seemed outwardly remarkable about them.

They looked depressed, sure, but that's about it. I could only guess who else might be experiencing psychosis.

Groups, Hallucinations, and False Visitors

Group therapy sessions were light, and they seemed mainly designed to keep people from getting bored.

In one group, the therapist instructed us to go around the room, name our favorite movie, and say why we chose it.

I sat halfway in the circle, and after I offered the answer "Pulp Fiction," a woman's voice in the room shouted, "Pan's Labrinth," correcting my answer.

I looked to see who had shouted, and it was someone who resembled an ex sitting in a chair, apparently put out that I hadn't chosen the first movie we'd seen together.

Her voice was slightly off, though, and the person I could see was covered in a strange, black material, making it hard to confirm who I saw.

I looked at them for a moment, and the figure in the chair began to fade slowly, until it nearly disappeared. A few repetitions of glancing away and back again produced the same result, until it fully dissolved from view.

How Hallucinations and Delusions Progressed

My hallucinations mostly manifest in cooccurrence with delusions, and the greater delusion I had at the time centered around a consortium of time travelers tracking and tormenting me, gathering the evidence they would need.

In the hospital, I obsessed over microscopic, imperceptible cameras orbiting my face. As a result of their invasion, I was certain they could read my thoughts based on facial expression alone (building a catalogue of indemnities I was sure to face at having caused so much trouble).

There were cameras stationed around the facility, and the surveillance led me to believe anyone could "hear" my thoughts, as if broadcast out of my head and transmitted to the people around me silently.

I had no secrets. No privacy. No way of retaining my autonomy. Only the taunts of my ex and so many indications I was truly worthless when my life added up to that moment. I could barely stand it and paced or sat frozen in place, holding my breath.

Surprising and Unexpected Support

My sister, Lu, had been very concerned, and she took a few random calls at odd hours in good humor. I called the ex I had hallucinated, as well, along with a friend from work, and someone who confided she had a family member sharing my diagnosis.

I did not expect so many expressions of support so broadly.

The night of the attempt, I called my parents. My dad asked what I was thinking about. I couldn't give an answer. I just said there was no one who liked me.

After I was discharged and driven back by cab to the place I was staying, I realized my experiment in Seattle wouldn’t work out, and shortly afterward, I called my parents to let them know I was ready to come home.

Episodes in the Future

I know I will have another episode, but my future is fairly bright, now (in my view).

I no longer feel encumbered by the delusions I had; the frantic, paranoid math I had been doing; or the nihilistic determination to escape.

Experiences of Schizophrenia: What Does Photophobia Feel Like?

Most people are undisturbed when light enters or exits. But depression, delusion, and insomnia become pervasive in photophobia for me.

Certain colors of light flare up and envelope my body in a hardening sap. My shoulders shirk, and my arms, neck, and legs feel like they're fixed in a binding.

The nights begin to stretch longer than the optimism I usually feel each morning, and I begin to tumble in a blur of wakefulness and restfulness, as days add up.

Physical senses and comfort contort, and my defenses against anxiety become seized by the glow of the ugliest bulb nearby.

Note to Self

Humans have already created thousands of them, so whether God exists is irrelevant by the numbers.

Whatever gets you through, believe that.

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