Experiences of Schizophrenia: Schizophrenia in Colors, Shapes, and Sounds

Living with Schizophrenia: Distortions in Mind and Body

The distortions in my brain can take many forms: In my hearing, vision, and in the feelings in my body. They can cooccur in a blended sensory experience and aren't limited by the degree to which they cause me distress.

The Space Around Me

There are periods when the space around me takes on an aura of jagged shapes and sharp, searing colors. I walk around, and the warped buildings, concrete, green grass, and sky evoke a deep feeling in my chest, telling me I don't belong.

My surroundings feel like they've been replaced by a replica or an unsettling false model. And the Earth I'm thrust into is like serenity inverted—and in great disarray.

It's exhausting when the cracks of psychosis break through like this and take up my time and attention. I'm not sure how to feel or what to do, so I wait it out and just try and sleep for a few days.

Weightlessness and Motion

I get lost, similarly, when I talk to myself. My head crooks to the side unconsciously, and I’m fixed in a thousand-yard stare that can't be broken.

I'm removed from the world around me—feeling a sort of weightlessness as my lips rush in unintelligible, staccato-ed whispers. Whatever I was saying disappears as quickly as I snap back into focus, and I do not have any recollection of my thoughts or speech.

Cue-less and Sorting the Noise

I have trouble estimating the distance between me and the sounds around me, as well. A dog barking outside may be as loud and distracting as a stereo or TV in the same room as me. So, determining what to focus my attention on is challenging in places I don't often find myself.

I often miss cues that would help me engage with people meaningfully. As a result, I fear people think I'm disinterested or put out by their approach. But the truth is, I'm embarrassed to respond and appear foolish.

A Different Form

My brother Jordan, my sister Rachael, and my parents were alarmed by the times when I'd talk to myself early on, at the time I was diagnosed.

What to me felt like a function of self-soothing looked to them like I was talking to thin air, and I would bet their imagination could only fill in the blanks. They'd ask who I was talking to sometimes, but I didn’t know how to answer. I didn't know myself.

Because of my symptoms, I've thought of myself (mostly) as an outside actor (in family even), off to the side, taking up a temporary space in the group.

But now that I've made more of an effort to join in, I understand what my role involves and have found so much wonder and awe in getting to know my nieces and nephews again.

They’ve seen changes in my body and mind over the years, as decades of antipsychotics and illness have wrought havoc on my psychomotor control.

My eyes trail slightly, and my body tremors slowly when I sit down and rest. I still do not get the sense they accept less the person they knew and who I am now (or hopefully so).

Experiences of Schizophrenia: Isolation and Avolition

Negative symptoms have been the most difficult for me. Flattened moods feel like a dull, vacant ache I carry in my chest, only drawn out when I connect with people, making more effort to feel human.

I'm inevitably pulled by the endemic panic, fear, and paranoia that plagues people living with schizophrenia, challenging my better senses and judgment.

My ability to relate to others begins to deteriorate, and I start to withdraw from the things that keep me mentally healthy.

The content of my thoughts and emotions becomes obscured or absent in isolation, and it feels like I'm enveloped in a black, chill radiation or languishing in a hollow void.

The disfigured, anxious person I don't recognize as myself returns until I seek to thaw the agoraphobic stasis I self-inflicted.

Note to Self

Be quick to admit you're wrong and forgive others when they do the same. People may see it as nebbish, flimsy, or capricious, but it's better than dealing with certain, momentary resentments that build over time and the resulting rifts.

People with severe mental illness (or more so, who have found themselves in a psychiatric ward) could use a little grace and forgiveness (if not mercy). So, forgive yourself and others quickly as a matter of principle.